This is a bit of a personal essay for me to other writers to see, read, and identify with. I am writing to say that I am not out of this storm—I’m still in the middle of it. It’s just the winds have lessened and rain stings my skin a little less. I’ve got the help I’ve needed from professionals and I’m still working on it.

In order to keep myself from beating myself up from not writing, I decided to write this post. After August, I was on a high — I felt like things were going in the direction that I wanted it to with my writing.

In August, I went to the Writer’s Digest Conference in New York for the first time and I loved it. I even pitched my book which went over well with a couple of agents. When I got back, I gave myself a mini break and went straight into editing my chapters in hard copy.

I had begun a large task which I thought would take me well in November but I finished editing the hard copy early. I felt like I deserved to do a week long one because I was ahead of schedule. I had some life changes that extended that break and left me where I am at now.

The determination to translate the changes and do my best to make sure my book is what I pitched is still there. But (because there’s always a but) it’s been so hard to actually do it.

I know what I send doesn’t need to be perfect and that I could very well still get rejected. And I don’t want to quit. Torque has been my heart and soul. Falling in love with it with every change and I just can’t figure out why it’s so hard.

I thought joining  NANOWRIMO on Instagram would help me kick my butt into gear and while I’ve joined live sprints and got work done, as soon as they were done I would move on to the next life thing–stepping away from my computer.

Yes, progress is still progress. But my feelings for not getting what I want done has been plaguing my mind everyday, anytime I’m not doing what I say I love doing. I hold myself to a high standard of what I can do because I want to exceed my own expectations. I should lower my bar and aim for that, but I don’t want to settle for it. I want to aim high and go higher.

And every time I can’t write, I say tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the day the mojo kicks in. And it doesn’t happen. It’s frustrating.

Why can’t I freaking write.

Hey Guys,

Sorry, I did not post Monday, or last week with the video. I decided that I will reshoot my video and post it this week – it will be up on Thursday. I will also do a regular blog post for Saturday.

Don’t worry, I will get back on my Monday blog post, Wednesday video (for the following week) schedule soon after this week.

xo Arisa

In all our deeds, the proper value and respect for time determines success or failure.
-Malcolm X