In order to keep myself from beating myself up from not writing, I decided to write this post. After August, I was on a high — I felt like things were going in the direction that I wanted it to with my writing.

In August, I went to the Writer’s Digest Conference in New York for the first time and I loved it. I even pitched my book which went over well with a couple of agents. When I got back, I gave myself a mini break and went straight into editing my chapters in hard copy.

I had begun a large task which I thought would take me well in November but I finished editing the hard copy early. I felt like I deserved to do a week long one because I was ahead of schedule. I had some life changes that extended that break and left me where I am at now.

The determination to translate the changes and do my best to make sure my book is what I pitched is still there. But (because there’s always a but) it’s been so hard to actually do it.

I know what I send doesn’t need to be perfect and that I could very well still get rejected. And I don’t want to quit. Torque has been my heart and soul. Falling in love with it with every change and I just can’t figure out why it’s so hard.

I thought joining  NANOWRIMO on Instagram would help me kick my butt into gear and while I’ve joined live sprints and got work done, as soon as they were done I would move on to the next life thing–stepping away from my computer.

Yes, progress is still progress. But my feelings for not getting what I want done has been plaguing my mind everyday, anytime I’m not doing what I say I love doing. I hold myself to a high standard of what I can do because I want to exceed my own expectations. I should lower my bar and aim for that, but I don’t want to settle for it. I want to aim high and go higher.

And every time I can’t write, I say tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the day the mojo kicks in. And it doesn’t happen. It’s frustrating.

Why can’t I freaking write.

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At the beginning of the year, I knew I wanted to take time out for my writing and get away. I wanted to experience a new environment and get the creative juices flowing. I had in my mind that, what I’ve dubbed to everyone as “my solo writing retreat,” would result in a finished book and things would go smoothly as I prepare for the Writer’s Digest Conference in August.

Well, that wasn’t quite the case. 

Fear. It can one of may blocks in the road for writers when they start or finish a project. I began to struggle with this after coming back from vacation and missing my self-imposed deadline. I kept putting my morning writing off until the evening and then I would say I’m tired and head to bed.

Anytime I did “try” and write, I kept distracting myself on the internet.

Trying to think of ways to link your scenes together is as hard as looking at a blank page.

But the other day I realized that it was just the fear and self-doubt keeping me from going back to what I enjoy.